So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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