I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
