so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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