Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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