I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
