All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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