I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
