there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
