you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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