He disabled his match.com account in front of me
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
