Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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