I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
