anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
