I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
