I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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