So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
