turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
