The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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