why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
