I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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