paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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