I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
