I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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