mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
