Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm both gender and math confused
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
