I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
