Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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