her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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