dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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