just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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