I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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