my phone needs a breathalizer
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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