WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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