yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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