he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
