the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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