After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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