You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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