I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
