I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Randomize
