I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
