Kiss
Puke
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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