Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
