i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
