Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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