I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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