The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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