I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
