we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
