Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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